I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
