New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize