I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
