Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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