Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
