highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
