I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
honey bunches of taint.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
