WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
