: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
please come you make the beer taste better
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
