Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize