Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
