Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
