My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
