why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
