mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
