she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
