Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
