I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
