My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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