I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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