Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
