if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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