I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
