eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He shit in the fireplace
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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