I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
