Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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