Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
