You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
