I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
