This is not my ceiling
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize