An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
