if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
