so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
