like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
