11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
