im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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