dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
