We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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