Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
