Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Your topless pictures make me question reality
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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