listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
