I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
