Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
