Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize