Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
