the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
