I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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