can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dicks are not precious.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
