You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
