I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize