I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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