i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
