Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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