you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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