so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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