turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
