I wannas sexs uuuuu
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize