I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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