Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize