I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
