brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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