he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
