Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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