I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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