You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
