Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
