GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
