you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she pinky promised me she was 18
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
